And what do you know, I'm actually doing it

I've never been an athlete. In second grade my parents signed me up for soccer. My dad, a former soccer player, took me to the sporting goods store to buy me my first pair of cleats. A girlie girl all the way through, I cried at the sight of black cleats ("Black sneakers are for boys!") until he gave in and found me a store that sold white cleats. He tried to convince me that no one wore white cleats, that white cleats would get grass stained when I ran and kicked and fell.

He needn't have been concerned. Besides cloud watching and looking cute in my tiny uniform, the only thing I was good at was throw-ins; mainly because the ball was going away from me rather than coming at me, and there was no need for contact with other players. Most importantly, I could use my hands and didn't have to get my pretty white shoes dirty.

I'm not an athlete.

Anyway, by 6th grade an injury sidelined me permanently from gym class, and any hope that I might develop muscle tone or hand eye coordination vanished in an instant. I did, however, earn the nickname "Human Dictionary" and scored a 740 on the verbal portion of my SAT.

Always preferring books and words over sports and activity, exercise never occurred to me until, after a lifetime of thinness, I gained the freshman 15 (okay, 20) and couldn't fit in to my clothes (do you see a pattern developing here?). I started working out, doing Tae Bo and working with free weights, even running. But by the time I reached graduate school life had become chaotic and exercise was nearly impossible. My weight continually crept up, the result of long hours at school, my internship and my part time job (as a waitress in a bakery cafe. Why couldn't I find a job folding shirts at the Gap?).

Eventually I returned to the gym, but over the next few years I didn't do much to challenge myself. I was afraid of group exercise, remembering the nightmare that was high school gym class (even when you're popular, the jock girls aren't very nice to you when you let the volley ball fly by because you really just don't care) (seriously, if you're the kind of person who took gym class volleyball totally seriously, just stop reading now because we're never going to see eye to eye). I had always been told I'd never be an athlete, and I listened. I just didn't believe I was capable of fitness. Thinness, yes. Fitness, no.

That fear and lack of self confidence usually takes the form of "I Can't Because"- the excuses I've found to keep from pushing myself harder than I am comfortable pushing. "I Can't Because I didn't eat anything yet today. My blood sugar is too low." "I Can't Because I left my water bottle at home." "I Can't Because I didn't get enough sleep last night" "I Can't Because I'm not strong enough or fit enough to try." The launching of space shuttles in to orbit required less work than preparing me for an intense cardiovascular workout.

But something changed, something that shook up the way I think about my body, about what I can do. I had a baby. I endured 26 hours of labor without any meds at all, and then, totally numb, I pushed out an 8 pound baby who was face up and got stuck in the birth canal. I grew a beautiful, big, healthy baby with my body and I pushed her out. My body can do a whole lot more than I give it credit for. And in the last few weeks, newly post partum, a time when I once would have made excuses ("I'm not ready yet, I'm not strong enough yet, I won't be able to do it") I stopped reasoning and just starting doing. I went in to kickboxing class when I was 9 weeks post partum, and I didn't care that I was one of the heavier women in the class, I didn't care how hard it was or wheher the wind conditions/global economy/astrological charts were perfect before I tried. I just went. And I did it. I did it beautifully. I did it full tilt. I didn't modify a bit of that workout, and I didn't hold anything back. The next day I ran the interval workout Sheilla assigned me without worrying that I wouldn't be able to complete it. When I thought I couldn't go any further, when I didn't want to go any further, I thought to myself, "I pushed out a baby. I can do this." And sometimes, "Just shut up and do it." And I did. I did it.

And I'm still doing it. And it feels fantastic.