I don't know about you, but I've got an entire cabinet full of fancy, scented lotions and perfumes and luxury products that I never use. I want to, but I can't. I'm saving them. I've got a drawer full of dusty, long unused lingerie too, and some really terrific clothes that do fit right now but that haven't been off the hanger more than once in the last six months. I've also got some really fantastic shoes just collecting dust while I wear my flip flops everywhere, and a husband who thinks I'm sexy and wouldn't keep his hands off me if I'd stop constantly batting them away.
So what am I waiting for?
Well, I don't really know. Something special, I guess. To be thinner. To have someplace other than the grocery store to go to. To feel sexy again. To feel worthy again.
I realized these things as I was getting in to the shower the other night. And I used the luxurious salt scrub that I usually save for...well, I don't know what special occasion I'm waiting for. After my shower I squirted on a bit of perfume and realized how good it made me feel. I put on a matching bra and underwear set, something I honestly haven't done in years, preferring instead to buy neutral, tan colored bras because they're practical. And it felt great- like using the good china just to eat take out, or opening the expensive bottle of wine on a Tuesday night. I had forgotten what a treat it is, how much it means, to treat yourself like you are special- like you are enough.
I've been talking to my friends about mantras a lot lately- about finding words that inspire you, that lift you up and make your goals feel attainable, close. I've always lived by the idea that happiness comes from choosing to be happy, not from waiting for life events to make you happy. You don't wait for your life to be in order before you feel happiness. You choose to be happy and life aligns itself accordingly. It's a great way to live, and it's made me a sincerely happy person, and solved a lot of the questions and problems in my life. But one place I've never applied it to is my sense of self- my feelings of worth.
Instead of seeing my worth and letting it dictate how I live me life, I've lived a life where I was always just a few shades away from feeling worthy, just a few more pounds away from deserving to feel good. It's the only place where I am living a life out of line with my values.
The truth is that the time to celebrate, the time to pamper, the time to preen and twirl in the mirror, the time to use the expensive perfume, is now. It's now. I deserve it now. I am beautiful now.
Maybe it seems simple or obvious; but as it often happens, I had the information; I just never had the knowledge- the understanding, the appreciation.
So yesterday I put on the rich, fragrant Issey Miyake cream that Patsy bought me for my honeymoon, and I squeezed in to my matching Calvin Klein set that I love so much. I blew out my hair and wore lipstick to the grocery store, and I ironed a shirt and wore my leopard print ballet flat, even if I was just headed to the mailbox.
And it felt wonderful. And it felt familiar, and right. It made me happy, and reminded me to love myself now, instead of waiting for the day when I finally meet my own expectations of who I should or could be.
Welcome back, Al. Welcome back.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Work It On Out Now Y'all
Courtesy of my pal Myndi, who directed me to playlist.com, here is my current workout playlist. It is the most motley assortment of bad pop and good hip hop you've probably ever seen, but don't judge. What it takes to make me run is different than what it takes to make me groove. I just like it, is all.
You'll have to click or scroll along the song titles to see the whole list. It's not how it should work, but I'm not going to waste a Sunday morning figuring it out either. Cheers!
You'll have to click or scroll along the song titles to see the whole list. It's not how it should work, but I'm not going to waste a Sunday morning figuring it out either. Cheers!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Blogger, You're a Hard Task Master
Okay, Okay, I haven't kept up with the blogs. So what else is new?
But I promise you this- once I get the energy back (somewhere around 2012, I imagine) I'll have a truckload of posts. I've been keeping notes and I've got plenty to say, so just bear with me, okay?
I heart you Blogger, I do. Wait for me on the outside.
But I promise you this- once I get the energy back (somewhere around 2012, I imagine) I'll have a truckload of posts. I've been keeping notes and I've got plenty to say, so just bear with me, okay?
I heart you Blogger, I do. Wait for me on the outside.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Just Call Me Spinderella
Yeah, I did it.
And I ROCKED it.
Okay, that's mostly in my own mind. In reality I huffed and I puffed and I nearly blew myself off the bike. But I did it, and I feel fantastic.
It's true, Spin is every bit as challenging as I expected, but that's good for me. I'm always so afraid to push myself physically, always so unsteady and unsure of myself. I've been that way all my life, and I want to change it now. I want to feel like an athlete.
Tonight I stepped outside my comfort zone and tried something new, and it felt great. I feel strong and I feel proud of myself. And I'm going back next week.
So bring it on gang. What are you going to do to show me up, huh? I want you to challenge yourselves and I want to hear about it. I did it, and you can do it too. It's in you.
Bring it.
And I ROCKED it.
Okay, that's mostly in my own mind. In reality I huffed and I puffed and I nearly blew myself off the bike. But I did it, and I feel fantastic.
It's true, Spin is every bit as challenging as I expected, but that's good for me. I'm always so afraid to push myself physically, always so unsteady and unsure of myself. I've been that way all my life, and I want to change it now. I want to feel like an athlete.
Tonight I stepped outside my comfort zone and tried something new, and it felt great. I feel strong and I feel proud of myself. And I'm going back next week.
So bring it on gang. What are you going to do to show me up, huh? I want you to challenge yourselves and I want to hear about it. I did it, and you can do it too. It's in you.
Bring it.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Who You Calling a Punk?
What, just because I've been saying for months that I am going to try Cycling class but I never have, that doesn't mean I've punked out. I've had TONS of valid excused. Tons!
Except that they're just that- excuses. Not legitimate reasons- there can't possibly be a legitimate reason why I haven't once made it to an hour long class- just excuses.
The honest truth is that I'm afraid of spin class. I'm afraid because I know it's really intense and I'm worried that I can't keep up, and I'm afraid because those Spin bitches are crazy and I'm afraid that I'll make a misstep and they'll eat me alive for not knowing the protocol.
But really? Is this how I want to live my life? Afraid that I can't do something that I know I probably can? Afraid to try something new? Afraid of the women at my gym? Honestly. I've tackled much tougher stuff than Spin class. It's time to quit my bitching and just do it. Time to make myself proud again.
So off I go. Tomorrow I am attending a 9:15 a.m. Spin class. The time isn't ideal and I'm out of shape from a month off, but I'm going. I am. And if I don't, I expect to get a tongue (keyboard?) lashing from each and every one of you. Deal?
But in return I want the same from you. What are you afraid of? What workout challenges are you afraid to try and meet? Why? And most importantly, what are YOU going to do about it?
Except that they're just that- excuses. Not legitimate reasons- there can't possibly be a legitimate reason why I haven't once made it to an hour long class- just excuses.
The honest truth is that I'm afraid of spin class. I'm afraid because I know it's really intense and I'm worried that I can't keep up, and I'm afraid because those Spin bitches are crazy and I'm afraid that I'll make a misstep and they'll eat me alive for not knowing the protocol.
But really? Is this how I want to live my life? Afraid that I can't do something that I know I probably can? Afraid to try something new? Afraid of the women at my gym? Honestly. I've tackled much tougher stuff than Spin class. It's time to quit my bitching and just do it. Time to make myself proud again.
So off I go. Tomorrow I am attending a 9:15 a.m. Spin class. The time isn't ideal and I'm out of shape from a month off, but I'm going. I am. And if I don't, I expect to get a tongue (keyboard?) lashing from each and every one of you. Deal?
But in return I want the same from you. What are you afraid of? What workout challenges are you afraid to try and meet? Why? And most importantly, what are YOU going to do about it?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Butter Season
Ugh.
Well, I'm back. I'm bloated and tired and full of cholesterol, but I'm back. And like most Americans, I'm forced to begin exploring the extent of the damage I did to my life, bank account and waistline during the Holidays- or as I like to call it, Butter Season.
There is just no explaining why we go so overboard during the holidays. Why I eat things I don't even like, why I make myself sick and then continue the same pattern anyway. I guess it's because the excesses of the season serve to distract us from everything frustrating, painful or boring about our everyday lives. The rules don't apply during Butter Season and we can do anything we like- life is one big party and no one is judging because they're in line right behind you at the buffet.
Last year I was pregnant during the Holiday season and so I actually didn't partake in the excess of the season- didn't overeat, didn't eat junk (this was months 3 and 4 of my pregnancy, when I was still obsessive about a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby), and obviously didn't drink. I went to bed early, took naps, and generally paid more attention to my health than I ever have during Butter Season. This year? Not so much.
And now here I am, 2 or 3 pounds up (I think) wondering why I did it to myself again and acknowledging, as I always do, that it really wasn't worth it. Most of the junk that I ate really wasn't that good- it was just junk, and I ate it because it was there and because everyone else was doing the same. I ate it because I was off the leash, because I "could". Well news flash, Al, you always "can". You can do whatever you like. So why not make the reasonable choices that really bring happiness, rather than excessive ones that only bring the illusion of happiness, followed by frustration and remorse?
Anyway the point of this post is that it's time to really take inventory of how I feel, how I look, how strong I am, and to make some choices about how I'm going to live in 2009. I can't undo 2008. I can only learn. Sure, I often feel like I'm repeating the same lesson over and over again, but I like to think that I'm becoming a bit smarter each time, learning more with the passage of every season and every pat of butter. So what do I know for sure about the season I'm in now- the season of change?
I know I want to stop swinging back and forth between extremes- skinny and starving, chubby and bloated- and that I want to put my focus on feeling great and really being well, rather than the tag on my jeans. I want to feel good in my own skin and love who I am, and make changes from a place of self love, rather than self hatred. I know that much.
So here I am. It's a new year, and the goals I set for myself when I began this blog are fresh in my mind once again. I'm ready to change my life- or, more accurately, to continue making the changes I began a long while ago. I was in college when I decided that I needed to do more to keep myself healthy and fit, and that's when I started working out, drinking water and eating plenty of green vegetables. I've learned a lot since then.
Let the journey continue.
Well, I'm back. I'm bloated and tired and full of cholesterol, but I'm back. And like most Americans, I'm forced to begin exploring the extent of the damage I did to my life, bank account and waistline during the Holidays- or as I like to call it, Butter Season.
There is just no explaining why we go so overboard during the holidays. Why I eat things I don't even like, why I make myself sick and then continue the same pattern anyway. I guess it's because the excesses of the season serve to distract us from everything frustrating, painful or boring about our everyday lives. The rules don't apply during Butter Season and we can do anything we like- life is one big party and no one is judging because they're in line right behind you at the buffet.
Last year I was pregnant during the Holiday season and so I actually didn't partake in the excess of the season- didn't overeat, didn't eat junk (this was months 3 and 4 of my pregnancy, when I was still obsessive about a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby), and obviously didn't drink. I went to bed early, took naps, and generally paid more attention to my health than I ever have during Butter Season. This year? Not so much.
And now here I am, 2 or 3 pounds up (I think) wondering why I did it to myself again and acknowledging, as I always do, that it really wasn't worth it. Most of the junk that I ate really wasn't that good- it was just junk, and I ate it because it was there and because everyone else was doing the same. I ate it because I was off the leash, because I "could". Well news flash, Al, you always "can". You can do whatever you like. So why not make the reasonable choices that really bring happiness, rather than excessive ones that only bring the illusion of happiness, followed by frustration and remorse?
Anyway the point of this post is that it's time to really take inventory of how I feel, how I look, how strong I am, and to make some choices about how I'm going to live in 2009. I can't undo 2008. I can only learn. Sure, I often feel like I'm repeating the same lesson over and over again, but I like to think that I'm becoming a bit smarter each time, learning more with the passage of every season and every pat of butter. So what do I know for sure about the season I'm in now- the season of change?
I know I want to stop swinging back and forth between extremes- skinny and starving, chubby and bloated- and that I want to put my focus on feeling great and really being well, rather than the tag on my jeans. I want to feel good in my own skin and love who I am, and make changes from a place of self love, rather than self hatred. I know that much.
So here I am. It's a new year, and the goals I set for myself when I began this blog are fresh in my mind once again. I'm ready to change my life- or, more accurately, to continue making the changes I began a long while ago. I was in college when I decided that I needed to do more to keep myself healthy and fit, and that's when I started working out, drinking water and eating plenty of green vegetables. I've learned a lot since then.
Let the journey continue.
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