I don't know about you, but I've got an entire cabinet full of fancy, scented lotions and perfumes and luxury products that I never use. I want to, but I can't. I'm saving them. I've got a drawer full of dusty, long unused lingerie too, and some really terrific clothes that do fit right now but that haven't been off the hanger more than once in the last six months. I've also got some really fantastic shoes just collecting dust while I wear my flip flops everywhere, and a husband who thinks I'm sexy and wouldn't keep his hands off me if I'd stop constantly batting them away.
So what am I waiting for?
Well, I don't really know. Something special, I guess. To be thinner. To have someplace other than the grocery store to go to. To feel sexy again. To feel worthy again.
I realized these things as I was getting in to the shower the other night. And I used the luxurious salt scrub that I usually save for...well, I don't know what special occasion I'm waiting for. After my shower I squirted on a bit of perfume and realized how good it made me feel. I put on a matching bra and underwear set, something I honestly haven't done in years, preferring instead to buy neutral, tan colored bras because they're practical. And it felt great- like using the good china just to eat take out, or opening the expensive bottle of wine on a Tuesday night. I had forgotten what a treat it is, how much it means, to treat yourself like you are special- like you are enough.
I've been talking to my friends about mantras a lot lately- about finding words that inspire you, that lift you up and make your goals feel attainable, close. I've always lived by the idea that happiness comes from choosing to be happy, not from waiting for life events to make you happy. You don't wait for your life to be in order before you feel happiness. You choose to be happy and life aligns itself accordingly. It's a great way to live, and it's made me a sincerely happy person, and solved a lot of the questions and problems in my life. But one place I've never applied it to is my sense of self- my feelings of worth.
Instead of seeing my worth and letting it dictate how I live me life, I've lived a life where I was always just a few shades away from feeling worthy, just a few more pounds away from deserving to feel good. It's the only place where I am living a life out of line with my values.
The truth is that the time to celebrate, the time to pamper, the time to preen and twirl in the mirror, the time to use the expensive perfume, is now. It's now. I deserve it now. I am beautiful now.
Maybe it seems simple or obvious; but as it often happens, I had the information; I just never had the knowledge- the understanding, the appreciation.
So yesterday I put on the rich, fragrant Issey Miyake cream that Patsy bought me for my honeymoon, and I squeezed in to my matching Calvin Klein set that I love so much. I blew out my hair and wore lipstick to the grocery store, and I ironed a shirt and wore my leopard print ballet flat, even if I was just headed to the mailbox.
And it felt wonderful. And it felt familiar, and right. It made me happy, and reminded me to love myself now, instead of waiting for the day when I finally meet my own expectations of who I should or could be.
Welcome back, Al. Welcome back.
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